I’m about to celebrate another year of my life. This time last year, I wrote “Quarter-what?”, and while dancing around to “Let It Go” (and feeling rather empowered), I decided to go for a repeat this year.
This is the year I grew up. I feel like an adult now. No longer do I experience deep angst and uncertainty. I never really considered myself an adult before because I held myself back. I didn’t speak up when things felt wrong. My voice felt stifled because I approached situations with the attitude of “What do I know? I’m just a kid.” I always had this need to get things right and to be the perfect girl. I had shackled myself to this mentality. I’m tired of feeling the need to always make the perfect decision for someone else. Maybe someone else’s view of a mistake was exactly the path I needed to go down. Give what you can. If you give what you don’t have, it just depletes you and doesn’t help anyone in the end.
I’m done creating diversions. Today my hair is curly and its natural color. I have no nail polish on and no makeup. I’m not saying these things are wrong. I love being creative and having the crazy ombre hair or the funky nail art that leads people to ask questions. However, I often make these decisions as a diversion. Many times I find myself hiding behind the sequins and sparkle. I want to be free from that. I’m no longer scared to have people see the real me—flaws and all.
I experienced a lot of pain this year, physically and emotionally. It was probably the most painful year of my life. Seriously, cervical dystonia is no joke. And, emotionally, love should never be used to imprison. Love should never hurt. Life can hurt, but take it in and learn from it. Grow from it. I still choose not to become jaded. I still see magic. I’ve learned to create boundaries so my magic land can be protected. I’ve learned that if someone else is uncomfortable with your emotions, you must leave. Joy is an emotion, and no one is worth that being muted or taken away. The same goes with general life situations. You can make decisions, get there, and choose to make a different one. Like switching grad schools (the old me would have never done that). My student ID at my new graduate school is a selfie. I guess that’s the modern way to go about things.
I’ve learned some other things this year, too. A year ago, I would never have thought I’d be where I am right now. I’ve learned there’s no way to predict or plan, and it’s not worth mourning your life plan when it goes awry. For example, if a guy behaves like a fool on a date, be glad he showed you who he really is. You can use it as material in a screenplay. Don’t take true friends for granted, and don’t tolerate when “friends” flake. I never really had anything to prove to anyone; that was just my own insecurities speaking. If you read dating dealbreakers on Reddit, you’ll realize that everything about you is someone’s dealbreaker, so just keep being you. Also, guys still seem to dig short hair. I might keep it for a while.
My health still bothers me, but somehow I’m worried less. I had a brief stint when I was rather panicked in realizing everything becomes a bit less stable each year, but I’m also feeling out my health limits and no longer feel the need to push them. I’m still trying to figure out what home means to me (“Now I Know My ABCs, APS and DVTs”). I discovered some anxiety issues were in direct relation to over-caffeination. I no longer drive to Starbucks each day. I’m fine with making coffee at home. I hope I’m a little less princessy that way. I still won’t go camping. Mantra meditation has really helped me. I’m no longer scared during flight takeoffs. Now that you can have an iPod on during takeoff, I listen to the Karen O remake of “Immigrant Song.” On my writer bio, I add a line about my love for sloths. That may define me. Or, my name—people constantly ask if my name is real. Yes, I have seen Memento.
Every day I work to free myself. Things have been tough, but honestly, I’ve never felt more love. Part of that may be just me allowing myself to be loved. Also, I’m completely OK with hugs now. I don’t know what the future has in store as I edge closer to 30, and trying to mull it over just takes time away from living. It hasn’t been easy, but if a challenge is what it took to get me here, I’m fine with that. The future is completely open, and I’m loving every minute of it. Bring on 26!