Quarter-century life snuck up on me. It feels like I was just in high school wearing some weird outfit. Back then, I thought I’d be married with a child by now. My 10-year class reunion is this year, and I don’t even know what to make of that.
It turns out that age 25 feels very different than I thought it would when I was younger. The most grown-up thing I’ve done recently is purchase bedroom furniture. For a long while, my mattress was on the floor, and I had my clothes in plastic bins. But this doesn’t mean that I haven’t had a lot of life experience in other realms.
I’ve acquired some small amounts of wisdom along the way. There are so many things that I don’t know, though—and that’s frustrating. A person changes and grows, and I want everything to be definitive. I naively thought that some things would always remain the same—that people who were front and center in my life would always be there when I needed them, that they’d always be around. Now I know this is not the case in life. You meet new people. People that you didn’t know a year ago become important, and you have no clue how it’s possible they weren’t always there. The whole process is still bizarre to me.
My mom describes my life at 24 years old as “throwing teenage and college years all together and mixing them up.” My 24th year was spun on its head by a very serious hospitalization, and it was rough to get back to my normal. I still felt shook up even after leaving the hospital.
My hospitalization was made rougher by the fact that I lacked IV access because I was clotting too rapidly to keep a line in, I was unable to eat or drink for weeks, and I was told at one point that maybe it was best for my parents to take me home and hope for the best. Nothing more could be done, the doctors said.
Luckily, the endocrinology team saw me and diagnosed me with adrenal insufficiency. When a person’s body is under stress, whether from an infection or from an accident, the adrenal glands make and release a “stress” hormone called cortisol. If the body doesn’t make this when it’s needed, as mine doesn’t, a person can become very sick, and in serious situations in which treatment is unavailable, the person could die. It’s managed with a few pills a day, but when I was hospitalized, I was very sick and freshly diagnosed. In my mind, I just wanted the diagnosis and the entire hospital experience erased.
After that ordeal, I wanted to feel alive. I hadn’t been taking life for granted, but I became angry and wanted to feel young. I wanted to go out at night with friends, which I did about four times. We didn’t get into anything too exciting, but one night I didn’t sleep and just stayed up talking all night. What a self-imposed-rule breaker I am.
And then I dated, and dated, and dated some more. I wanted to meet and get to know new people and hope my heart wasn’t broken too badly along the way. Now I have a clearer picture of what I’m looking for in a significant other.
During this time, I also reconnected with some old friends, and I found that as we’ve gotten older, I’ve landed on a different page in life than they have. That revelation blindsided me somewhat. My health issues are still there, but I want more whimsy and less intensity in my life.
In the haze of my attempted self-discovery, I will tell you what I know for sure. It may seem silly, but in a world where not much is certain, this is what I’m holding on to. I thought two cups of coffee were a necessity for me to function, but they aren’t; one cup is fine. All desserts are great, but chocolate chip cookies will win for me every time. I find shades of aqua and teal to be incredibly calming, so I wear those colors often. When I get a migraine, I find it soothing to listen to the Abbey Road album by The Beatles. I truly believe I will be hard-pressed to leave my free-spirited hippie appearance behind—weird crystal necklaces that are supposed to bring creative inspiration and all. Music is how I get through each day and un-muddle my thoughts. And if I’m having a bad day, a sloth picture will without a doubt make me feel better.
In getting to know myself, I realize I have a very difficult time with situations I cannot fix. I don’t like seeing my friends upset or sick. I’m a fixer, and if I could create something to fix everyone’s woes, I would. Unfortunately, even though I care so much, I’m terrible at letting people I love know my feelings. I express my love more through actions and being there when they need me, rather than expressing it verbally—but I can change this, and I am working on it. I consider myself to be quiet and somewhat introverted. I don’t love socializing in large groups, and I find it draining. I adore one-on-one with people I care about. And I love to reflect. It helps me to acknowledge what has happened, appreciate where I am, and think about where I want to be. This is who I am now, in this moment.
I realize that turning 25 didn’t transform me as a person. I’ve never been one of those New Year’s resolution types, either. I instead take note of each year I’ve acquired on this planet. I get so excited for my birthday each March, much like a little kid. My special birthday routine is that I allow myself—almost in a ritualistic sense—to let go of what I disliked in the previous year. I stop holding onto things that made me unhappy. I stop beating myself up for decisions I made that didn’t turn out so great and for the times when I was too indecisive to make a choice because I was afraid.
After I’ve done all of that, I celebrate because I get another year to explore, make mistakes, make changes, push myself out of my comfort zone—and hopefully continue to evolve into the best version of me. Best of all, I celebrate living.