Some people are very good at dating. They’re good at meeting people, and they know how to flirt and make interesting conversation. I am not one of those people. I am excellent at having guy friends. This has been the status quo my whole life. I liked the same boy, who never noticed me, throughout all of middle and high school. When I was in college, I randomly showed up at my new crush’s door with 14 mix CDs. After a rather serious hospitalization in January 2012, I posted a Facebook status online, joking that my adult “make-a-wish” would be to go on a date. My friend Joe took this seriously, and he set me up on a date immediately. When that didn’t really lead to anything, friends encouraged me to continue dating and venture into online dating.
Online dating is difficult! I’ve sent messages to guys who never reply. It’s frustrating, and I’ve found it causes quite a bit of anxiety, so I deleted my profile. I knew it wasn’t the right route for me when I pondered whether any picture of me was worthy of putting on my online dating profile.
Still, I just don’t know how to meet people in the “real world.” Most of the time, I meet other young adults through different projects I’m volunteering with, and none of them are from Wisconsin. There is also the fact that I don’t always feel up to dating, and a dinner date requires me to somehow take six pills without anyone noticing. If my date does notice, then I have to explain on date No. 1 that I have health issues—and it would be nice for people to get to know me before that information comes out. But I feel that if I don’t try, I may never make that leap into dating. This year alone, I have gone on 13 first dates. Believe me, that number seems crazy to me, too.
The biggest issue that I often ruminate over is when to tell someone I’m dating that I have health issues. It’s always at the forefront of my mind. If I become Facebook friends with them, will I have to delete posts that are related to my health issues? These are topics I’m very open to talking about generally. I’ve cancelled dates before because I was in the hospital. At those moments, I usually say there was a family emergency so I don’t have to provide the gritty details. My health is something that people will take really well, or not take well at all. You always have to prepare for the moments where things don’t go well.
A very unfortunate break-up occurred while I was hospitalized due to a reaction to a blood transfusion, which then triggered a series of migraines. He was a medical student at the hospital I go to. He broke up with me while I was in the hospital by saying that he was embarrassed that I’d been admitted there. Now I have the lingering concern that he will pop up at a doctor’s appointment or during a hospital stay, because after all, I do go to a teaching hospital. This could have kept me from dating for a while, but I figured something like this was unlikely to happen again.
My friend, and fellow NYLI member, Sean, is somewhat the dating guru for my NYLI friends. He is majoring in psychology in college, with a women and gender studies minor. He is also considering getting a master’s degree in community outreach, with a human sexuality focus, with the goal of becoming a relationship counselor one day. He’s often found helping out at LGBT and sexuality sessions at National Hemophilia Foundation and local chapter programs. I know that I’ve definitely gone to Sean more than once for dating advice, and he has been very encouraging in helping me realize some potentially awful situations that I needed to get out of.
Information on dating with a chronic illness is difficult to come by. I’ve read a few books about this topic, but they lacked the details I was looking for. I spoke with Sean about dating recently, both broadly within the chronic illness community and also in his own social life. He informed me that while not a major topic in his classes, there had been a thorough discussion in one of his classes about this issue, with a whole day devoted to disability and sexuality. For people in the hemophilia community, Sean said he thinks that honesty is particularly necessary to discussing things such as previous bleeds or other health complications that could be physically and sexually limiting.
For a long time, there was a stigma associated with online dating. It was considered a last resort. I’ve seen profiles that say, “I’m healthy, and I expect you to be as well.” Statements like that make me wonder if there is also a stigma against dating someone who is chronically ill. I mean, I’d be fine with it. However, I also have health issues. As Sean stated: “The people that aren’t going to be OK with your health issues are the people you do not want to be dating. It’s a general waste of time for you and them and can be very disappointing.”
When you have a chronic illness, you need to date someone very patient. Sean also said that dating as you progress into your 20s is very different than dating when you’re younger. As you get older, there is a level of seriousness in relationships, with the consideration that this might be the person you marry and discuss having children with.
When it comes to dating, I’m never sure when to tell someone that I have health issues. I’m fairly certain sharing everything I’ve been through healthwise in one conversation is a horrendous idea. Sean has always been very open with his bleeding disorder. He has been dating his current girlfriend, whom he met in a college class, for the last six months. She knew pretty early on about his bleeding disorder. There is always the concern if you tell someone too soon, before they get to know you, it might scare them away. If you tell them too late, it may come across as being deceitful.
Sean feels that a good time to share your health issues is probably somewhere around the second date, by talking about it broadly initially and then in more detail as time goes on. His girlfriend took finding out about his hemophilia very well. But it can be disappointing when your significant other wants to do things like go for a run and, with your health, you can’t do them, Sean said.
His girlfriend is very active, so Sean focused very early on discussing and participating in things they could do together, rather than what they couldn’t do with one another. An odd yet great bonding moment came after he invited his girlfriend over early on to watch him infuse factor, and then she eventually infused him. Their relationship just demonstrates that at the end of the day, honesty and communication, as in all relationships—whether a chronic illness plays a part or not—is of the utmost importance.
As for me, I met my 13th first date from last year through my friend, Shelly, and it was rather nice to finally not go out on a blind date. Shelly set up a gathering just so the date and I could meet. On that night, I was telling the date about a recent conference I had attended in Florida with Shelly. That’s when he asked if I had a bleeding disorder. I was not prepared for this. I explained that I had a clotting disorder. He asked more questions, and I reluctantly answered them.
I figured at this point that he would never want to go out with me, but he still did. We’ve talked more about my health conditions, he’s read the blogs I’ve written, and he’s seemingly OK with everything. This has come as somewhat of a surprise to me. And he prefers playing his guitar, reading, or writing fiction to things I can’t do, like bungee jumping or downhill skiing.
I appreciate that he seems concerned for my health, too. For example, when we talked about going to a movie that ended pretty late, he said he was worried it might be too fatiguing for me. I’ve never had someone I’ve dated be that considerate of my health. Dating will always be a somewhat complicated and confusing process, but I’ve found that the number 13 doesn’t bring so much superstition and bad luck with it after all.